The Arabian Nights

Dubya Baba and the Forty Thieves

Act Two

The plot so far: Rhum Baba and the Forty Thieves, including 34 sinister heavies wearing dark glasses, are trapped inside leather oil jars in a cave somewhere in Mesopotamia. In the cave are also Saddam the Horrible, Caliph of Baghdad and his despotic minions.

Time: The Middle Ages

At rise: Outside the cave. Enter Kasim, leading six self-exploding donkeys.

SCENE 1:

Kasim:

Green Cards! Tourist visas! Stop me and buy one! Emigrate to the Far-off Land! Green cards! Tourist visas!

Enter Hassan, a brain surgeon, with a coterie of simple Mesopotamian villagers, lawyers, social workers etc., all terribly oppressed.

Hassan:

The muftis and mullahs told us it was a sin to go to the Far-off Land. What are you doing selling these baubles?

Kasim:

It's a land of milk and honey, freedom, liberty, etc. It's just the policies I don't like.

Hassan sings (as per West Side Story):

I want to be in the Far-off Land
O.K by me in the Far-off Land
Cars interest-free in the Far-off land
Discounts and Sales in the Far-off Land!

Villagers:

Allahu Akhbar! (They assault Kasim. Suddenly the self-exploding donkeys ignite. A huge explosion. The door to the cave is blown open)

SCENE 2:

Rhum Baba, Wolfy Baba, Luminous Pearle, Pure Krystal, Georgery Pokery, Ari SpinBaba, and 34 sinister heavies wearing dark glasses, have landed their magic carpet at the Carpet Port in the Far-off Land. They are greeted by the Press. Generally, only dedicated propagandists for the regime are allowed to attend such important functions.

Jim Hoagperson (stringer for Sycophants Anonymous):

I am totally in support of the Great Leader's policies. Just for the record, (and I don't want to pry or lose access to Your Magnificence), but what are they?

Rhum Baba:

Saddam the Horrible has Camels of Mass Destruction, huge diseased beasts that can be shipped in suitcases to our greatest cities to poison our people. They pose a threat to this great country of ours. We must eliminate all such weapons, except ours, of course.

An ancient lady reporter:

Isn't Saddam seven thousand miles away?

Georgery Pokery:

Fast-moving slave galleys can reach our shores within three months.

Wolfy Baba (aside):

By the way, how did that old bizum get in here? Liberal, isn't she?

Jim Hoagperson:

You saw these weapons?

Rhum Baba:

Not exactly. We were in the dark, crammed into 40 leather oil-jars. But we know they are there.

Kraut-thunder (not known to say a positive word about anything):

My paper is gonna love this.

Ari SpinBaba:

Not half as much as Murder.doc., the media mogul. Think of his circulation!

Wolfy Baba:

Pay attention! This Caliph is a tyrant, who has taken everything from the poor and given it to the rich. Isn't it wonderful to live in the Far-off Land, the great land of the free?

Georgery Pokery:

Saddam spies on his own people and imprisons them without access to lawyers. And he has a nasty way with curds and whey. We have a lot to learn from him.

Ari SpinBaba:

Shush! Stay on message!

An ancient lady reporter:

But what about the economy? The whole idea of our Far-off Land is constantly rising consumption.

Ari SpinBaba:

As the Great Leader has said on increasingly frequent occasions, if only congress would reduce taxes on the rich, this great country of ours would recover from the recession caused by the previous liberal administration and would once again be a land of milk and honey.

Luminous Pearle (aside):

To hell with honey, give me money!

Rhum Baba:

We cannot stand by while foreigners with funny hats and unauthorized religions threaten everything this country stands for.

Shimmering Saphire (a linguistic expert):

About time. There's Mesopotamian thugs and murderers planning a WMD against my luxury holiday home on the West Bank.

An ancient lady reporter:

War will be opposed by the opposition.

Rhum Baba:

What opposition? You mean the universities? Then we'll shut down their critical faculties.

Pure Krystal:

Hah! Hah! Oh, Rhummy, you are so drole. (Oh dear, Shimmering Saphire, was that a French word?)

Enter Dubya Baba, the Great Leader, holding a moral compass

Dubya Baba:

I want my crusader castles back!

Enter Blair Baba, holding another moral compass.

Blair Baba:

Oh, great Leader, I am here to offer you blood, toil, tears and sweat (Winston Churchill, 1940) Let my soldiers do the fighting. We send them into every sort of mess. I usually take the credit, but you can do so this time, honest. (Psst! North Sea oil is running out. Any chance of a deal?)

Dubya Baba:

How ya doin? Who did you say you were?

SCENE 3:

At rise: By the banks of the Euphrates, General Flanks is directing a massive air and land battle against the almost non-existent forces of Saddam. Great flashes and bangs. A rocket-propelled bunker-busting arrow whizzes overhead and passes through the bodies of 43 innocent bystanders, comes out the other side, and demolishes one of 238 palaces owned by the Caliph.

Rhum Baba:

Damn, I had my eye on that one for the family.

General Flanks:

Shame, but you have to expect one or two casualties when you are fighting for freedom.

Rhum Baba:

General, how are we getting on finding the Camels of Mass Destruction?

Gen. Flanks:

Not too well, Sec. We've collaterally damaged every building from here to Sodom and Gomorrah. Meanwhile, we're getting a bit of resistance here. Don't quite get it, but these here Mesopots keep saying "Go home", and blowing themselves up. All we're trying to do is liberate them.

Rhum Baba:

Been into Baghdad yet?

Gen. Flanks:

No. I'm so weighed down with all these goddam campaign medals I can hardly stand.

Rhum Baba:

Well, if we can't find the Camels of Mass Destruction, we'll have to change the War Aim. Democracy! That's it! We're fighting for democracy. Tell that to the Press. Fawning idiots!

Gen. Flanks:

I thought the real aim was to undermine surrounding regimes, set up 524 military bases, make the country safe for companies from the Far-off Land, and throw out the Franks and Muscovites.

Rhum Baba (eyes close to steely slits):

Look here, Flanks, there are two things that are RIGHT: that's ME and MIGHT.

Enter Dubya Baba, still holding his moral compass.

Dubya Baba:

How ya doin?Defeated the Mesopotamuses yet?

General Flanks:

Hail, Great Leader! Watch this! (He points to the sky and cries) Kill!

A fully armored carrion crow, flying at ten thousand feet, shoots a laser-guided lance, skewering 25 harmless water buffalo splashing about in the Euphrates.

Dubya Baba:

Texas steak tonite! I've had it with dates and rice. (Enter Bubba Baba) What the hell are you doin' here. I thought I overthrew you in a typically medieval judicial coup?

Bubba Baba (to the Great Leader):

Hi, Dubs, just popped in to see if I can liberate some books for my library. (Enter Blair Baba)

Blair Baba:

Oh, great Leader, I am here to offer you my advice and the lives of my soldiers. Do with them what you will. I just love to smooge with you. (Psst! North Sea oil is running out. Any chance of a deal?)

Dubya Baba:

Who did you say you were?

SCENE 4:

Somewhere in Mesopotamia. Pure Krystal, Shimmering Saphire, and Kraut-thunder Willy are reporting the war with the Great Leader's Patriotic 527th Heavy Horse Unit. They have never seen action before (well, hardly ever), but are proud that they represent the greatest sole superpower ever, ever, ever in the history of the world, on its 61st. overseas campaign in about 15 years.

Shimmering Saphire:

Don't it make you proud?

Kraut-thunder:

The ONLY world superpower!

Pure Krystal:

Bringing freedom, peace and prosperity! Shimmering Saphire: Don't forget democracy! It's the new thing - democracy.

Kraut-thunder:

The ONLY world superpower, bringing freedom, peace and demockery.

Pure Krystal:

It's the embedded bit I like. Ooh, those cavalry officers!

Kraut-thunder:

Really? I prefer the horses.

Shimmering Saphire:

Time to file. You go first.

Kraut-thunder:

"This is Chuck Kraut-thunder reporting from the front on Fuchs News Network. In a brilliant campaign, the sort of brilliant campaign you would expect of the ONLY and GREATEST superpower in the world, coalition heroes have killed all troop elements between the Lands of the Queen of Sheba and the fabled city of Samarkand, roughly speaking. And they have done it in only thirty six hours. Isn't the Far-off Land the greatest country? Don't you just love it? Before me the severed arms and legs of lesser mortals are strewn as far as the eye can see. It's all positively SWIMMING in blood and entrails. It's impossible to count the Mesopotamian dead, and who cares anyway? Wait while you hear these messages!

SCENE 5:

At rise: A riverside location in Mesopotamia. Local women with water jars on their heads are lamenting the invasion of their country. They sing:

By the craters of Babylon there we sat down,.
Yea, we wept. Yea we wept for thee, oh Great Caliph,
And hanged our thin veils upon the willows.
For thou failed to throw back the unbelievers into the Gulf from whence they came.
Thou stoodest not at Al Kut, nor among the verdant date palms trees of Tikrit;
Nor among your palaces and chosen places of pleasure.
And they that wasted us require of us mirth, rejoicing and garlands of flowers,
And they sayest unto us: "Hey, girl, like we have delivered thee from the evil one
Now showest you your gratitude in the usual way."
Oh, sing us one of the songs of Uday, who gave unto us gold and silver and precious pearls.
How shall we sing a song to a strange man?

End Act Two

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