Setting: Once upon a time in a Far-off land. The Great Leader is sitting in his white palace, relaxing among his 152 security guards, all nervous and armed to the teeth. His eye falls upon a map. He summons his Vizier.
Dubya Baba:
What's this 'ere, Vizier?
Cheney Baba:
'Tis Mesopotamia, O Wondrous One, a land of black gold.
Dubya Baba:
Never done heard of that at the Country Club.
CheneyBaba:
The ruler's Saddam the Horrible. He's very rich.
Dubya Baba:
Richer than us?
Cheney Baba:
He steals from the poor and gives to his friends.
Dubya Baba:
Like I was saying to the frat guys down at the club, you can't be too rich.
Cheney Baba:
His methods are interesting: extortion, corruption, oppression and arbitrary arrest. The last time he held an election he won by ninety-nine to one.
Dubya Baba:
A man after my own heart. Black gold. Hey, call the palace advisors. I sure would like to get ma doggarn hands on that.
Enter Rhum Baba , Wolfy Baba, Luminous Pearle, Pure Krystal, Jiggery Pokery, Ari SpinBaba Clarke SpinBaba, and Colin Baba
Dubya Baba:
Looks how we got us a problem. It's Soddam the Horrible.
Rhum Baba:
Glad you mentioned it, Celestial One. He's a member of a notorious axis that hates you.
Dubya Baba:
You're joking. I come from a far-off land where we believe in troof, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for people with assets of $50 million and over. Like, we have the best values in the world. He's jealous. That's it, jealous. Got a Bud Lite?
Wolfy Baba:
He won't do what he's told, like sending tribute to you, and sharing the gold with your supporters (like us). He's undermining your God-given authority, Wondrous One.
Dubya Baba:
Then we should zap him
Co-lin bin Baba:
Problem: Mesopotamia is a long way away, it's hot, has flies and people in funny dresses who spend ages on their knees every day. (GROANS)
Dubya Baba:
Maybe we could sneak in and lasso the black gold when they're on their knees and not looking.
Luminous Pearl:
And he's got weapons of mass destruction — huge scimitars, diamond-encrusted daggers, and catapults that throw diseased camels over the walls of enemy towns.
Dubya Baba:
I thought we'all had all the weapons of mass destruction. How do you know?
Jiggery Pokery:
We supplied him with the catapults ourselves.
Dubya Baba:
Why did we do that?
Co-lin bin Baba:
Ask Rhum Baba. He had a special offer going at the time.
Rhum Baba:
Do you want campaign contributions from the catapult industry, or don't you?
Dubya Baba:
Then this Soddam is a thre-at to us?
Pure Krystal:
Sure thing, Supreme Highness.
Dubya Baba:
(Calls 152 security guards) Be American heroes, will you, and watch for diseased camels? Can you inoculate against flying camels?
Pure Krystal:
Oh, your magnificence, you're the best Great Ruler we've ever had! I was just going to ask the same question. We should add a zillion dollars to the homeland security budget for my friends in the pharmaceutical industry...
Wolfy Baba:
Keep to the point, Krys. Saddam, so-called Caliph. We better get him before he gets us.
Rhum Baba (to Co-lin):
See what I mean, Co-lin? What a mind! The only real thinker in the country.
Dubya Baba:
Got meself an ide-a, too.
Rhum Baba:
What's that?
Dubya Baba:
I'z gonna send some spooks out to Meso- what's it's name, and look into these weapons of mass instruction.
Jiggery Pokery:
We've done that. We know they're there. Slam dunk case.
Luminous Pearl:
Yeah, why waste your time, Wondrous One? There's no point in having the finest military ever in the history of the world if you don't use it. Give the lads a work-out. Invade!
Co-lin bin Baba:
Heh, hang on! What's that gonna look like to Ghengis Khan, assorted Mongols, ravaging Turks and other members of the international community? If we don't obey international law on theft and pillage, they'll turn round and rape another hundred thousand Circassian virgins.
Dubya Baba:
Circassian virgins? They have virgins out there? Wait till I tell them in the club.
Wolfy Baba:
And while you're spying out Mespotamia, Saddam is infiltrating this great country of ours and endangering the lives of millions of mothers baking apple pies.
Dubya Baba:
Nah, Wolfy. Where I come from we have a way with them that steals critters. Scout out the lie of the land before yer fill 'em with lead. We gotta know what Soddam's got there.
Pure Krystal:
Ah! Wise ruler! I'll write another simpering parchment on your far-seeing-ness.
Setting: An undisclosed location near the Tigris River. Georgery Pokery, an asset, is disguised as a poor Mesopotamian. He is gathering sticks (why, isn't clear). There is the sound of a band of horsemen galloping towards him. He scrambles up a tree, scared that one of the horsemen might speak to him (he speaks no Mesopotamian, English being good enough for most people). Georgery Pokery can tell from their rough beards and bad language that they are, like, EVIL, O.K?
Enter Saddam the Horrible, Caliph of Baghdad, Mohammed Saaed al Sahfah bin Whatsit, Tariq Aziz , Hanki bin Panki and others, pulling several huge intercontinental ballistic camel launchers. Saddam dismounts and strides towards a rocky mountain nearby.
Saddam the Horrible:
(throwing wide his arms) Open Sesame!
At the Caliph's words, the rock face swings open to reveal a deep, dark cave. Saddam's men troop inside, dragging the camel launchers. Men's voices can be heard, echoing in the cave. Then out they come.
Saddam the Horrible:
(opening his arms again, shouts) Close Sesame!
The rock swings shut. The men gallop away.
Georgery Pokery (thinks, amazed):
How do they do that? It's just like a Disney cartoon.
Georgery creeps up to the rock, and utters the magic spell, "Open Sesame". The great rock door opens. There can be seen huge piles of precision-guided spears, heat-seeking arrows, 500mmm bows and various standard instruments of torture.
Setting: A magic carpet, somewhere over Turkey. Rhum Baba, Wolfy Baba, Luminous Pearle, Pure Krystal, Georgery Pokery, and Ari SpinBaba, and 34 sinister heavies wearing dark glasses and toting Gluck Rapid Fire 25mms, are relaxing on the finely woven Persian carpet, smoking hubble-bubble pipes.
Wolfy Baba (to Rhum Baba):
You did get the over-flying rights, right?
Rhum Baba:
It cost us!
Wolfy Baba:
Cost us what?
Rhum Baba:
Three billion.
Pure Krystal:
Three billion!
Ari Spin Baba:
What's three billion when you are fighting for freedom?
Georgery Pokery:
Put it down to petty cash. We spend more than that on toilet seats for the military.
Setting: An undisclosed location near the Tigris River. Rhum Baba, Wolfy Baba, Luminous Pearle, Pure Krystal, Georgery Pokery, and Ari SpinBaba, and 34 sinister heavies wearing dark glasses, are staring at the open mouth of the secret cave, just opened by Georgery Pokery.
Georgery Pokery:
I promise you! The whole place was choc-a-bloc with precision-guided spears, heat-seeking arrows, 500mmm bows and various standard instruments of torture.
Luminous Pearle:
Goddam spooks! You've done it again. All this way for a hole in the ground. It's time we privatized the so-called intelligence services. (To Rhum Baba: Psst! My clients could be really interested, know what I mean?) There is the sound of a band of horsemen galloping towards the cave.
Rhum Baba:
Quick, all of you, get in there! How do you get this thing closed?
Georgery Pokery:
Close Sesame!
Pure Krystal:
Oh, you're so decisive, Rhummy!
The cave door closes. Inside can be seen forty leather oil-jars, one full of oil and the rest empty. Rhum Baba and his companions leap into the oil-jars to hide from the oncoming EVIL natives, with their rough beards and bad language. A ghastly gurgling sound can be heard, as Wolfy Baba, the original thinker, drowns horribly in a jar full of cooking oil (or is it Brent Crude?).
Georgery Pokery:
Every cloud has a silver lining.
Off-stage: Saddam the Horrible, Caliph of Baghdad, Mohammed Saaed al Sahfah bin Whatsit, Tariq Aziz , Hanki bin Panki and others, can be heard dismounting and striding towards the great rock door.
Saddam the Horrible:
Open Sesame!
The atmosphere could be cut with a knife (and probably would be if the 34 sinister heavies wearing dark glasses and toting Gluck Rapid Fire 25mms could only have moved in their empty oil-jars.) Saddam closes the cave door and his men spread a tablecloth for a picnic in the cave, lit only by the sinister light of boiled-down Mesopotamian boy-children.
Saddam the Horrible:
There, you see, men. Everything moved to a sand-pit in Syria. Well, come on, start cooking!
(Editor: Here I suggest we could have we could have big production number, called , say: "Political Opponent in Garlic Sauce" or "Toenail on Falafel")
The feast is over and Saddam the Horrible rises to depart.
Saddam the Horrible:
Open Sesame. (Pause) I said "Open Sesame" (Pause) By Allah and the beard of the prophet, Open Sesame!
But movement comes there none.
Are our heroes stuck forever in their oil-jars? Will Saddam the Horrible hear them snoring in the night? How will Ari Spin Baba explain this turn of events to the people of the far-off country? Wait for the next exciting episode of Arabian Nights — The Musical.